I used to fight change. It was so uncomfortable, unsettling and scary. My life and my being became stagnant. I stopped growing. I was stuck. The last six years has brought nothing but change and I am beyond grateful.
When I had my heart attack two years ago, though, I felt anything but gratitude. I was in shock and disbelief. I was angry. If you could promise me that I will never have another one my attitude toward the actual heart attack might change. But the odds of having another event are much higher than is comfortable. When I think of that I’m definitely not grateful.
Yet when I think of the changes I’ve undergone emotionally, the changes I’ve made intentionally in my life since then, albeit with claw marks still visible, I am amazed. I gave myself permission to leave a job that was emotionally scarring for me. I have grown kinder toward myself. I returned to a job I like, one with less financial stability but more flexibility. I have grown more trusting in the universe that I will be able to take care of myself and my son while living a life I want. I am writing and painting and allowing myself to draw. I am exploring my creative side and asking my literal, controlling, I need it all figured out side to take a break. I am traveling with my son for four months in Europe. It’s a life long dream to get up and go and I’m finally going to explore the world in a way I’ve always dreamed. I am allowing myself to live my life not based on fear but desire.
On March 1st, ,the second anniversary of my SCAD, I am sure I will have a lot of mixed emotions. I was told I got really lucky. Any other vessel in my heart and I might not have made it. But I did. And for that and everything that has happened since, I am forever grateful.