As of last week I’m no longer employed with the company for which I worked on and off for over fifteen years. You know, the one with great pay, benefits, security. That one. While I have returned to a rehab job I loved but left when I was in the process of adopting my son, it definitely doesn’t have the security. This week I’m working 4-5 hours. It doesn’t exactly pay the bills. But that’s what having SCAD will do. It invites evaluation of one’s life, of priorities and dreams. And if one happened to work in the medical field, it can make it hard to keep doing the same work. Yet there is no one to fall back on, no one else to bring home a paycheck while I figure things out.
It didn’t help that I worked in a hospital. Actually that’s the main reason I had to leave.
Returning to work in the hospital after I was a patient myself was so hard. Every time I passed a room I could feel the loneliness, confusion, isolation, despair. It would wash over me with each step, wave upon wave crashing down upon me. I couldn’t swim against this tide all day. I worked hard to try and come back: lots of therapy, looking at my triggers and moving past them. Then I went away on a trip with my son. And when I returned I realized how hard it still was to be there. I was asked to look again at my triggers. No. I know what they are. I don’t want to struggle and push through them anymore. Person walking by, tied to the IV pole, I can see you clearly now. I can feel you now. And I can’t be here anymore.